Sea Changes

Maybe four, five times in one’s life there are sea changes, events that dictate we change who we are and follow a new path. It could be the loss of a job that triggers that. It could be the death of a close loved one.

My mother is dead, but I dreamed of her last night, and in the dream-state I was unsure if she was alive or not. I don’t like dreaming of her. She was not a very pleasant person to be around. Wasting her days like catching butterflies, she tried to start a business — once, and she failed, just like she failed at everything.

Dad’s still in the living. He hasn’t written me an email in a while or phoned me. He might not have my current phone number.

It would be a sea change for me if I were back in Ontario, living among my family. It would rock my world. I’ve been so used to living in Vancouver among friends and acquaintances that to live with family would come as something of a shock.

If I were to commit to writing the best novel I could, that would also be a sea change. I’m still not good enough to write the kind of book I want. I know that. I recognize that. My chops are begging for improvement. These blog entries contribute to an enhanced writing skill-set.

It is important to me that I keep getting comments flow-thru to my site. I trust the objectivity of the internet reader. If I’m doing a good job — or a shitty one — you guys will let me know. And then I can course-correct.

I slept in today. Had trouble sleeping last night; was up late. Had a late lunch at 1:42 of condensed mushroom soup. I am getting sick of eating vanilla yogurt granola bars for breakfast, a pair of them.

I like food … until I don’t. This is a worrisome topic for me. I can’t afford to stop enjoying food.

Right now, I’m biding my time. Waiting. For something to happen. I can’t be any more specific than that. It’s just my life could experience a bounce, a jump into a more exciting-and-variegated phase at a moment’s notice.

I need this. This lift. That would be the ultimate sea change, if I were to get that “bounce.” The tendrils of my pain, like blood, would wash away.

Get that bounce here as soon as possible.

— Greg Nikolic


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