Tornados

Why is it that tornados always seem to land on trailer parks? I had no idea there were so many trailer parks dotted across the land.

It must be terrifying, to have that vast swirling gray-white teacup coming up to you. Do you stay pat, and hope for the best, or do you make a run for it, possibly intersecting the tornado’s path? Decisions, decisions.

The mid-section of North America is the cliched breeding ground of the whirligigs, but they have been known to go as far north as Ontario, where I’m from.

We never worried about earthquakes in Ontario. That was one good thing about living there. And the tornado would hit once in a blue moon. Usually in southwest Ontario, near one of the small towns.

You have to understand that Toronto is Ontario. If you want to be specific, Ontario is Toronto plus Ottawa plus London plus Kitchener-Waterloo-Cambridge, with the non-Toronto sites placing a distant second.

If a tornado landed on Bay Street in Downtown Toronto, the superstructures of the buildings would remain intact. There would be some moderate damage, mostly to the glass and the doors, but the next week, the mess would be swept up and put away.

I would like to see a tornado hit the legislature building square-on. The place where they make bad provincial laws (such as statutory rape! except that’s federal) needs a leveling-down badly.

Other places that need tornado assistance:

  • The home of James Patterson in Palm Beach, Florida
  • Wherever Cirque de Soleil is playing
  • Buckingham Palace
  • Houses that harbor pit bulls

The tornado hotline (1-800-I-SCREAM) is available if you are driving peaceably down the highway when you spot a rogue twister weather phenomenon. Simply call the 1-800 number, and shriek your bloody loudest while swerving on the wheel of your gas-guzzling SUV. (Environmental Karma, baby, it’s a bitch.)

To be suicidally brave, put a medieval lance out your window and charge the tornado in your SUV. When your car is flipped over, and the lance breaks in two, you can enjoy (briefly) the orbital-like sensation of weightlessness … before colliding with the side of a hill.

I love tornados. Don’t you?

— Greg Nikolic

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4 responses to “Tornados”

  1. A tornado in Toronto sounds poetic. I’ll bet you could write a few verses on it. But I wouldn’t go around tilting at twisters, not even in the strongest SUV.

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